Super excited to come across a book that outlines themes I have been seeing in my own life and my clients'. It's a relief that I don't have to research the theory and write the book. Denial, delusion, and blame are nothing new to the human condition but they do cause suffering in a unique and challenging way. Carl Alasko takes his years of working with people and highly attuned BS metre and distills it down into simple techniques to use in daily life: my favourite kinda theory.
- Deny any essential facts
- Manipulate the truth in order to avoid discomfort
- Avoid any responsibilities to yourself and others
- Are blaming anyone for your ability to fulfill a need
Hell yes I do! I thought. And I could think of all the recent sessions I had had where I held up this same mirror to clients. Amazing people who were unclear as to their needs.
I have this affliction too. It starts when my plate gets full. I start to get overwhelmed and irritable. If I continue on the path I get down right cranky. I deny my capacity to get things done. I forget how much rest and self care I need. I stretch and stretch myself and of course I eventually collapse or break. I wish I could argue with this very human aspect of myself but I can't, and trust me I have tried. If I had the easy pill or the get more stuff done pill I would give it to you.
Instead, what I can offer you from years of being stubborn--stretching and pushing my boundaries and needs is this simple truth: you can't sustain it forever.
Collapse is guaranteed.
We need to engineer our own life and figure out if your structure can handle the weight we are putting on it.
This is the beginning of releasing the emotional bullshit that we hold onto. We do it for good reason: we hate change, are afraid, lazy or don't feel worthy. And these things will hold us back till they don't. Till we are ready for growth, and integrity. Our capacity needs to expand and our uncomfortableness with how life is in the moment needs to become worse than our fear of the unknown.
Bring on Carl's next set of questions about our needs:
- What can I do to make my life more fully satisfying?
- What behaviours can I change to satisfy my core needs?
- Which beliefs stop me from fulfilling them?
Here's the hard part. Although, not necessarily. If we are at the point of asking about our needs we are starting to come out of denial, delusion, and blame and moving into a sense of empowerment. Maybe not Tony Robbins empowerment but maybe, I won't hit snooze twice this morning or I will add a cup of greens to my plate tonight or I will ask my partner about that challenge we had.
It's the little things, done consistently that change our lives. So take some time today to check out the worksheet. Journal and meditate over your ddb's (denial, delusion, and blaming actions). And see if you can't make small choices to move into a new space.
Wisdom distilled from: Emotional Bullshit, The hidden plague that threatens to destroy your relationship and how to stop it by Carl Alasko